This is the story of a girl named Jenni and her friend Eevawn. You might have met them in one of their earlier adventure stories, but the author of this and the other sordid tales probably shouldn't go into too much detail about said sordid tales since he’s trying to tell you about another sordid tale. And, don’t worry about all the redundancy. It’s just part of the author’s writing style however annoying it might be. But, he hopes you don't find it annoying since it amuses him. Anyway, you might be wondering why the author refers to said story, and the other said stories, as sordid. Well, read on, and you can make up your mind about all that. And, if you read the others, you can make up your mind about those, too.
   So, let's begin our adventure with our two heroines, if you'd like to call them that. After reading this perilous tale of woe, you might change your mind. Now, you may have noticed that the other stories start out with Jenni and Eevawn and usually with a romp in the woods, but the author chooses to start out this adventure with someone else for a change just because this someone else should get the credit that he deserves given recent incidents between said someone else and said heroines, or at least one of them. Oh, and this tale has a different setting since you might be thinking that the woods thing was beginning to get stale. So, a little stretching of the imagination was in order here, and you might be pleased to know that this adventure plays out in the jungles of a far and distant land. Sounds intriguing, huh?
   Now, there was a fellow named Louisiana Jaimz (really original, huh?), and he was an archaeologist, an explorer and an adventurer. The author would like to say that he was well educated in all kinds of things like being fluent in languages such as German or exceptionally knowledgeable in ancient and lost civilizations or even really good at making his favorite delectable desserts such as raspberry cheesecake or peanut butter and jelly pie. Louisiana Jaimz would have liked to pretend being brilliant at such things, but it rarely did him any good since most people could detect right away that he was a phony at make-believe. Ok, so now you know a little about this fellow, but you’d also like to know what exactly Jenni and Eevawn have to do with all that. Well, read on, and this perilous tale of woe will begin to unfold. Hopefully it won’t take too long, because the author has some left over Kung Pao chicken waiting in the fridge, and it’s beckoning to him at this moment to finish it off. But, let’s not digress here, because he knows you would like to find out just what our two heroines will be up to in this latest installment of the Jenni and Evawn adventure series.
   So, as was mentioned before, there was a fellow named Louisiana Jaimz, and since he was an archaeologist and explorer and an adventurer, he was off on one of his latest adventures looking for the lost treasure of the Hootchy Kootchy tribe, deep in the jungles of a made up country called Tambiblia, to take back to the museum he was working for, you know, because that's what museums do, hire adventuring archaeologists to find ancient artifacts that once belonged to long lost tribes so they can put them in their museums to attract thronging crowds of people to see them so said people can get some culture. But, what Louisiana Jaimz didn't know was that there were two other adventurers looking for the same treasure. You couldn't refer to these two as archaeologists since they were just out romping around seeking adventure or maybe looking for lost tribes of men to rule over or looking for the love of their lives in hippie communes. But, the author wouldn't like to digress, so back to the story. Anyway, Louisiana Jaimz figured there would be others looking for said treasure, artifact, golden idol or whatever you’d like to call it, but he never expected what he would come to find.
   So, there he was, with his guide, entering the ancient temple, with all the vines covering it and all its booby traps, you know like in those other adventure movies that the author won't name here because he wouldn't want you to think he was doing any of that "creative borrowing" stuff, to find the treasure.
   “Now, don’t make any sudden moves or pull any levers,” Louisiana Jaimz said to his guide. “And, whatever you do, don’t pick up the ancient artifact from its pedestal, because some kind of blade will come swinging down or a giant stone will roll out and smush us. Ok?”
   “Sure, Louisiana,” the guide answered. “I’m only here as your guide. I’m not trying to steal the artifact for myself so I can sell it to some sweaty jewelry dealer in some sweaty jewelry shop in some little unknown town deep in a no man's land somewhere in a place no one ever heard of.”
   “Ok, good, because I would never have suspected you to do such a thing,” Louisiana Jaimz said with an air of confidence. But, we all know better, right?
   Anyway, again, the two made their way deep into the ancient temple, and there it was, the lost Idol of Hootchy Kootchy on its pedestal gleaming in the small ray of light just because that’s what’s it’s supposed to do in stories like this where a small beam of light just happens to be shining through some obscure hole in the ceiling of a long lost temple where an archaeologist and his guide just happen to be looking for such a thing. Wow, what a mouthful, huh?
   Anyway, again, again, you might have been able to figure out what happened next. But, if not, the author will make a brief summary of the whole scene that took place: the guide takes the idol for himself, he runs leaving Louisiana Jaimz behind hoping he’ll get croaked by one of the booby traps, the guide ends of getting croaked by a booby trap, Louisiana Jaimz narrowly escapes a booby trap and miraculously gets back the idol from croaked guide and narrowly escapes death before finally making it out of the temple.
   But, you probably already had that figured out, and there was probably no need to go into such detail, if you consider that detail. And, you might be able to figure out just what happens next, although you might not have completely guessed as to what exactly. But, in case you haven’t been able to, the author will indulge in furthering the plot along.
   So, as Louisiana Jaimz finally made his way out, of course covered in cobwebs and maybe a few spiders to boot, there stood before him a host of natives with spears and bones through their noses and tiny loin cloths and nothing else on, as you would expect. And, who do you think it was that was heading up this host of natives? Why none other than our heroines Jenni and Eevawn. But, after reading this sordid tale, you might not consider them to be heroines anymore. Actually, you might not have ever considered them heroines after having read those last few tales involving the two. But, again, the author will leave that up to you to decide.
   “Well, hello, Louisiana Jaimz,” Eevawn said standing there with her hands on her hips and that air of superiority about her like she usually had. “Fancy meeting you here.”
   “I knew someone was on my trail, but I didn't suspect it was you two,” Louisiana answered as he lay on the ground, because he happened to trip on a large root sticking out of the ground like heroes sometimes do when they're coming out of ancient temples in action movies. The ancient artifact was safely tucked under his arm.
   “Looks like you have something we want, Louisiana,” Jenni said pointing to the bundle hiding away.
   “Now, what could that be, Jenni?” Louisiana Jaimz answered. “I’m just here on vacation as you could have guessed. Nothing like running for your life from giant, squishing boulders for a bit of relaxation, huh?”
   “You’re a funny man, Louisiana,” Eevawn answered. “Now, kindly hand over that artifact, and we’ll be moving on.”
   “What? This little thing?” Louisiana Jaimz asked holding up the idol. “That’s just some little trinket I found while kicking around in the dirt outside my hotel room. I just carry it around as a good luck piece.”
   “Come now, Louisiana,” Eevawn said. “Let’s dispense with the jocularity. Time and money are in short supply at the moment. And, I’m sure you’d like for me to let you up knowing just how much you hate to grovel at my feet unlike other men love to do.”
   “You mean like that villainous Dr. Martin Speelunker does because he's smitten with you and thinks that by kissing your ass he might somehow garner your attention and get you to be his girl? Oh, no. I love groveling at your feet, and even for that very reason. In fact, I’d like to do it more often. It’s just that I have a plane to catch, so I think I’ll be on my way. Besides, just what would you be wanting with such a thing as this little trinket for, huh? You plan on worshiping it?”
   “Funny, Louisiana,” Jenni jumped in. She drew a gun out of the holster at her side and pointed it at Louisiana. “Let’s croak this useless man, you know, because that’s the way we feel about all of them. And, anyway. If we do he won’t be there to get in our way next time we’re looking for valuable treasures to exchange for high priestess positions in long lost tribes that no one ever knew existed before this story was written.”
   “What are you talking about, crazy girl?” Louisiana asked.
   “See, Louisiana,” Eevawn answered. “I’m going to take this little idol you found and offer it to the lost tribe of the Hoochy Koochys. They’re offering high priest position, or high priestess in my case, to anyone who can find the idol and bring it to them. You know how much I’d like to be high priestess of some long lost tribe and have all men doing my bidding and groveling at my feet, you know, like Dr. Martin Speelunker does because he likes kissing my ass, figuratively, you know.”
   This Dr. Martin Speelunker keeps coming up in the conversation between our adventurer and the two evil villainesses (if you're inclined to think they're now deserving of said title), so the author thought it might be appropriate at this time to explain a little about this sinister sounding fellow. Dr. Martin Speelunker was an evil scientist that invented a machine called the AK-28( the author is inclined to believe that it doesn't take much of an imagination to know what "AK" stands for, so he feels there's no sense in wasting a lot of space and words or sentences explaining the meaning ), and if  said machine is aimed at any unsuspecting woman's ass it could send out a butt numbing ray that almost felt like a big lip smacking ass kiss rendering any woman mindless therefore becoming zombie-like slaves in the power of Dr. Speelunker so he could have his way with them, you know, because he couldn't get a woman any other way. But, Eevawn was well acquainted with Dr. Martin Speelunker's evil ways, and she wouldn't let herself be caught off guard by turning her ass in the direction of the evil scientist knowing that one slight rotation of said buttocks could render her helpless and in the hands of the mad scientist. But, it still didn't keep her from making avail of the doctor's ingratiating disposition by throwing him a bone now and then, you know, to use him whenever she needed a little defending from lovelorn fellows that will remain nameless. But, enough of that distasteful and tawdry balderdash. This is supposed to be a story even your grandmother would enjoy reading. But, after such a disturbing account of all those underhanded goings-on with that evil Dr. Martin Speelunker the author tends to think otherwise.
   So, back to the story at hand. Now, if you've never heard of the Hoochy Koochys, don’t worry, because no one really has since they were just made up for this spine tingling adventure. But, since you’re interested, the author will indulge in a summary of said tribe.
   The Hoochy Koochys were a tribe of very bad fellows that liked to go around beating up on other tribes and stealing their livestock and all their food. But, most of all, they liked to steal women and make slaves of them. But, that’s not all they did. They would force the women to do Hoochy Koochy dances. What’s that, you ask? You know, the Hoochy Koochy dance. It’s sort of like belly dancing just with a lot less clothes on. But, you don’t want to know about such things, do you? Anyway, you couldn't get out of doing such a dance in that tribe if you were a woman, unless you could bring back their long lost idol. See, Jenni and Eevawn knew about this, and as much as they liked the thought of belly dancing half naked for a bunch of drooling, lecherous men, they figured there was a better way to get in good with the tribe. And, Eevawn had her mind made up that she was going to be high priestess of this tribe, you know, since they were offering the position.
   Well, it doesn’t take much of an imagination to figure out what happened next. Louisiana Jaimz had to give up the idol to the two villainous girls since they had enough power over him to make him do so, but he still was able to escape with his life. The author won’t go into detail about that, because he might subconsciously borrow from another story that you might be familiar with. And, you might have noticed that he has already borrowed from said story, but don't tell anyone. He wouldn't like to get in trouble for it.
   But, let's get back to the story. So, Louisiana Jaimz wasn't going to let those two girls get away with stealing the idol from him since he had gone through so much trouble getting a hold of it. As mentioned before, Jenni and Eevawn had their heart set on ruling over the kingdom of the Hoochy Koochys, and that's just what they were able to do. Only, they did have to do the Hoochy Koochy dance half naked for the drooling, lecherous men simply because said men had never seen such lovely fair skin, and what better way to get their fill of said lovely skin but by seeing as much of it as they could? So, they couldn't resist making the girls dress in those skimpy outfits that women had to wear to do the dance, you know, the ones where there was little to nothing covering places where the sun usually didn't shine? But, the tribe was true to their word, and they offered the high priestess position to Eevawn and gave second high priestess to Jenni after turning over the idol to them and doing the dance. We won’t go into how crazy the men got during Jenni and Eevawn's dancing extravaganza. The author wouldn't want you to get crazy and drool all over yourself with such imagery. But, he does encourage the use of your imagination just like he did. Oh, and what an imagination he has when it comes to such things, especially when it involves Eevawn. But, let's move on.
   Now, Jenni and Eevawn had such fun ordering the tribe around, and the men did everything the two girls wanted as long as they continued wearing the really skimpy outfits every day. And, they had much respect from the women of the tribe as well although some of the women were jealous of them and made plans to wrest power from the two girls. But, their plans were thwarted, because of said skimpy outfits meaning the men thoroughly enjoyed what they got to see every day and weren't going to let anything happen to such treasures as those two.
   But, little did they know that all their fun was getting ready to come to an end. And, who else could it be that was going to see that it came to end for the girls? Why, none other than Louisiana Jaimz of course. Now, you may be wondering exactly how he was going to do that. One night, after wild debauchery, that had been presided over by Jenni and Eevawn, a quiet fell over the tribe, and all were sleeping soundly including Jenni and Eevawn. Louisiana Jaimz snuck quietly into the temple where men and women lay all around. Of course, they didn't notice him since they were sound asleep. Jenni and Eevawn were there also since they were too tired to get up and go to their chambers and get into their plush beds with satin sheets that were provided to all high priestesses.
   It would be a stretch of the imagination to say that Louisiana Jaimz could single-handedly defeat this tribe and get the ancient artifact back from said tribe like in another story the author won't mention where a guy named Indi...never mind. So...the author won’t stretch the imagination that far. Maybe just a little bit, though. So, as things sometimes go in stories like this, Louisiana Jaimz just so happened to find a box of dynamite lying around for no reason at all, because the author thought it would be a good way to single-handedly defeat a whole tribe at once even though it was mentioned that it would be too much of a stretch, and because he thought it would be fun to compose a satirical narrative based on the title of another story which won't be mentioned here. And, what better way to cause enough chaos to get the idol back without getting croaked by the tribe or even on order of the two high priestesses? So, Louisiana Jaimz found the idol and proceeded to place sticks of dynamite all around the temple. Then, he lit them one by one and high-tailed it out of there. The sound of the burning fuses in the dynamite woke one of the tribesmen, and he screamed like a wild maniac awakening everyone in the temple including Jenni and Eevawn. There was mass confusion as they all clamored to escape the impending doom. Everyone made it out just in time, too. But, not knowing exactly where to go, being that they weren't as familiar with the place as the natives were, Jenni and Eevawn ran straight for the cliff and dove over the side into the sea. Just as they hit the water, there was a loud BOOM, and the temple went up in pieces. Now, you may be wondering just how high that cliff was and if the two girls survived the jump. Well, you can rest assured knowing that the cliff wasn't too high at all and the girls did in fact survive. But, when they hit the water, their skimpy outfits had completely separated from their bodies leaving them entirely nude under all that water. And, who do you think it was standing above the waters on that cliff and with a rope at the ready for a rescue of the two girls? None other than Louisiana Jaimz, of course. As they looked up at him, he threw his head back and laughed and laughed like any guy that would come upon two naked girls that were at his mercy and floating in the sea and hoping a rope would be thrown to them to pull them out.
   "Hi, girls," he said after having such a good laugh and gazing upon the two hapless victims as they bobbed up and down in the rippling water. "Having fun?"
   “Are you going to help us or what?” Eevawn screamed out. A chill started to set in being that the water wasn't exactly warm. The two girls were desperate to get out.
   “I've got a rope. Would you like me to throw it to you?” Louisiana Jaimz said mockingly.
   “Yes, but throw us something to put over ourselves. We’re entirely nude under this water,” Eevawn yelled back.
   “Sorry, but I don’t have a thing. You’ll have to come up like you are.”
   After much going back and forth over the nude issue, the girls reluctantly gave in and let Louisiana Jaimz pull them up naked bodies and all. Well, it would be a lie to say that Louisiana Jaimz didn't take any pleasure in observing such nudity, especially Eevawn's since he kind of had a thing for her. But, let's not go into all that. The author has to figure out just how they were going to get out of that jungle with all that nudity and the golden idol and the natives chasing after them. We could just wrap it up like they do in some movies where the two heroes are standing around not looking at the Ark of the Covenant while everyone around them is melting or exploding because they dared to look at the presence of God, and the next thing you know, the two heroes are in a government building talking about how great it was to get the Ark from said melting and exploding guys. But, the author would like to be a little more creative. He thought it would be a cool idea if there were two horses waiting in the underbrush, and Louisiana Jaimz and Eevawn jumped onto one while Jenni jumped onto the other one, and they rode away into the moonlight. But, since the author would like to keep this as clean as possible, he’ll just say there was a floatplane waiting on the river, and there were cargo blankets for Jenni and Eevawn to wrap themselves in to hide their nakedness. You can’t really hide any kind of nakedness if all you have are two horses and two naked girls to ride them with one guy having to ride one of the naked girls with him. And, what kind of thoughts would be sparked in the imagination of the reader with such imagery, hmm? So, it’s the blankets and the floatplane waiting with a pilot ready at the controls. And, the author can't forget to mention just what the Hoochy Koochys did after all that hubbub with their temple. You didn't think they were just going to let those three get away, now did you? So, the Hoochy Koochys were all dazed and confused after their temple had been blown to bits, and they all escaped to live and tell about it which is good, because the author doesn't like all that violence and didn't want to have to write about a bunch of dead bodies squished under piles of rubble. So, when they finally started to come out of all that dazed and confused stuff, they noticed Louisiana Jaimz and their two high priestesses running away down a path that they knew was gonna lead right to a floatplane and that they would have to chase after them and chuck spears at them because that's what's supposed to happen in stories like this. And, the other thing that's supposed to happen in stories like this is the good guys always get away. So, no dead good guys and no loss of ancient artifacts to vicious headhunting tribes or evil villains. Just a little nudity that was quickly taken care of with a couple of cargo blankets.
   But, what happened next, you ask? Nothing much except to say that Louisiana Jaimz turned the false idol over to the museum, Jenni and Eevawn went back home to plan out their next adventure which will be coming in the form of another short story to a blog site near you, and the Hoochy Koochy tribe went back to raiding other tribes stealing the usual things they stole and making women dress in those skimpy outfits and dancing the Hoochy Koochy.
   But, what about the moral of the story? Well, you could say that false idols should be melted down and turned into jewelry and sold in museum gift shops. You could say that girls shouldn't go off looking to be high priestesses of long lost tribes and take part in all that debauchery and do Hoochy Koochy dances and wear skimpy outfits so that when they have to run for their lives and jump in the sea there won't be a chance of them ending up butt naked and be at the mercy of dirty-minded adventurers. Don't get the wrong idea about Louisiana Jaimz, though. He really is a decent, upstanding, moral guy and any other redundant adjective you can think of to describe this nice fellow. But, what fellow doesn't like a naked butt once in a while, right? Oh, and you could even say that said adventurers ought to stick to making cheese cake and not go off to make believe lands where they could end up with their shrunken heads on necklaces around voodoo doctors necks. Not that the Hoochy Koochys were that kind of tribe. Just saying that it might be safer and cheaper making cheese cake rather than coming across said tribes in far away lands where it costs a small fortune to travel to. And, you never know what you'll have to eat in such places. If you like beetles and other creepy crawly things or monkey brains, then you might not mind cooking up a stew with said things. It's just that cheese cake sounds like a better deal. Wouldn't you agree? But, all that's too gruesome for the author to even think about let alone write out in a story that even a grandmother ought to be able to read. And, one more thing. If you find the term "Hoochy Koochy" offensive, just remember, if Mickey Mouse or Judy Garland didn't see anything wrong with it, then it's probably ok. So, that will be up to you to decide. But, one thing is for sure. The author had much fun in relating this ghastly tale of woe to you.

                                                                         The End

Story, Art © James Griffin